Holy fruitcakes, Harry! Thats lockhart!
by bicie
Summary: Harry receives a mysterious letter which leads him and his two best friends through a whirlwind of chaotic events


Disclaimer: JKR owns all characters and anything recognizable as belonging to the Harry potter universe.dibs on the insanity. oh! And the cloud kicker eight million, that's my genius as well. Thanks to ducki-sama for helping out of my block.you're way incredibly funny.and jordanluver for laughing.  
  
Holy fruitcakes, Harry! That's Lockhart! "Hey!" yelled Harry as the small, annoyingly cute little owl, commonly known as Pig, dropped a letter into Harry's Pumpkin juice.  
  
Ron swatted at the bird a few times, and finally, much to everyone's relief, it flew away.  
  
"What's it say?" asked Ron leaning in to read the letter over Harry's shoulder.  
  
"It's an invitation to a tea party!" Harry answered excitedly.  
  
"Who from?" asked Hermione.  
  
"I don't know. There's no name, just a time and a place."  
  
"Sounds fishy," said Hermione.  
  
"Are you going to go?" asked Ron.  
  
"I dunno. I'm not really a big fan of tea."  
  
"Holy pastries, Harry! It says here there'll be cookies as well!"  
  
"Well, that changes things, doesn't it?" said Harry, decidedly. "Of course I'll go if there are cookies involved." Harry dried the letter off as best he could with his robes and then shoved it into his pocket. "You'd be a fool to turn down an invitation like this," he explained to Hermione, who was glaring at him.  
  
"You'd be a fool for going, Harry. It's obviously a trap!"  
  
"Who would want to trap me?" asked Harry throwing Ron a "She's out of her mind" look.  
  
"Voldemort, for one!"  
  
Harry's grin disappeared. "Oh. I forgot about him," he sighed.  
  
"Now look! You've gone and made him sad!" shouted Ron.  
  
Hermione's bottom lip quivered and tears started falling sorrowfully down her face.  
  
"Oh, Hermione. I'm sorry," said Ron and just as he expected, she threw her arms around him. Ron grinned at Harry. "I think she likes me," he whispered.  
  
"Yeah, so does everyone else," Harry replied, standing up. "Well, I'm off to my tea party!" He called happily  
  
"Have a nice time! And be careful!" shouted Ron as Harry disappeared through the portrait hole.  
  
He jumped nearly a mile in the air as he stepped through the fat lady and came face to face with none other than.Ginny Weasley. "Hi, Harry!" she greeted him, grinning that oh so very much Weasley smile. Harry smiled back and the stammered his own hello and hurried quickly down the hall.  
  
It seemed to take him forever to reach the refreshing outdoors, but when he did he felt like singing. Refreshing air sometimes has that affect on people.  
  
He rushed to the special storage shed that the school had built (Well, actually they just waved their wands and it appeared) just for the newest addition to the Gryffindor Quidditch team. He pulled it open and there she was. Sleek, shiny, and silver (and all the other wonderful 'S' words we like to use to describe things), the cloud kicker 8 million, newest broom on the market and used by only the best Quidditch players.  
  
He picked the broom up gently and climbed aboard. Soon he was flying through the air at an outrageous speed, the wind messing up his already messy hair. Within minutes, he arrived at his destination. It was a small shack out in the middle of nowhere and he had no idea how he knew where it was, he just did. He landed perfectly and placed his invisibility cloak, which often shows up when Harry needs it, over his broom to hide it from view.  
  
He walked up to the front door and knocked.  
  
"Come in!" called a voice from inside.  
  
Harry obediently listened and pushed the door open. "I'm here for tea and cookies!" He announced to a familiar looking fellow seated in a chair at a table across the room.  
  
"Ah," said the man. "Pull up a chair, Harry Potter."  
  
"Thank you," said Harry.  
  
Finally seated, he was handed a small tea cup and a plate of cookies. Harry bit into one. "Are these Snape's special cookies? Made with tender loving care?"  
  
"I knew they were your favorite," the man grinned. Suddenly, Harry realized who he was. He jumped up from his chair and pulled out his wand. "Voldemort!" He yelled.  
  
"What? Where?" The Dark Lord leapt under the table and placed his hands over his head.  
  
"Don't play innocent with me, Voldie!"  
  
"Is he gone, yet?"  
  
"What are you talking about? He is you!" Harry crouched down, still pointing his wand at the evil snake.  
  
"Oh, no, Harry. I would never be evil like him."  
  
Harry wouldn't allow himself to be fooled. "This is your last chance, Voldie! I have a wand and I know how to use it."  
  
The hideous beast climbed out from beneath the table and placed his hands on his head. "You've got the wrong guy!"  
  
"Tell it to the judge!" The evil being's face faltered as the Boy Who Lived stepped forward and shoved the long piece of wood, often known as a wand, straight up his nose. Voldemort shrieked in pain as water came pouring out his nose and bright pink petunias sprouted at his feet. The Dark Lord held his face in agony, but his efforts were futile. His pale white skin poured through his fingers as though it were paint.  
  
"That is disgusting!" Harry said, backing away. Gathering at the foot of the evil villain was a small puddle. And then a bright light was emitting from the hunched figure. The light grew so strong that Harry had to cover his eyes.  
  
"Oh, my head." Harry moved his arm and looked at the brilliant shining figure of.  
  
"Professor Lockhart?" Gilderoy beamed at Harry.  
  
"Harry, my dear boy, what are you doing here?" Harry's face looked quizzical  
  
"I-I, err, you asked me to come for tea." Lockhart let out a hearty chuckle.  
  
"Well, that isn't one I can say I've heard before. Now, Harry, why don't we go back to the castle, and settle down. In the meantime you can tell me more imaginative stories!"  
  
"But professor! I didn't-"  
  
"Now, now Harry, don't get excited, there is plenty of time to exchange stories! Hey! I have just come up with a most wonderful idea! We could stay up all night, and exchange manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!" Lockhart's face grew as wide as his grin.  
  
"NOOOO!!!!" Harry screamed.  
  
Suddenly there was a pop and Ron appeared at his left. He looked around blankly and then realized what was going on. "Holy fruitcake, Harry! That's Lockhart!"  
  
"Yes, and he's trying to bake me waffles!" Cried Harry.  
  
"Have you gone mad?" Ron asked the too happy for his own good Professor who was tying a pink apron around his waist. "And what is with that color!?!"  
  
"It fits my personality, don't you think?"  
  
Suddenly there was another pop and Hermione appeared at Harry's right.  
  
"How are you guys doing that?" Harry asked curiously.  
  
Both of his friends shrugged.  
  
Just then, Harry remembered the invitation that he had shoved into his pocket earlier. He removed it now. It began to glow red and really hot; too hot for Harry's hands and he dropped it to keep it from burning them. The letter landed on the floor and began to grow. It formed a head and legs and arms, and every other part belonging to a man.  
  
"Holy evil man who resembles a snake, Harry! That's you know who!" shouted Ron.  
  
Harry drew his wand and aimed it toward Voldemort's heart. "En guarde ye evil fiend!"  
  
"No, Harry!" shouted Ron, pushing him out of the way. Ron aimed his own wand at the evil man and shouted, "You killed my uncle's cousin's grandmother's ex-husband's son-in-law's dog!"  
  
"No my boy, I am your uncle's cousin's grandmother's ex-husband's son- in-law's dog!" And then the snake-like man sank to all fours and turned into a large, fluffy, white dog.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted Ron, falling to his knees, and burying his face into his hands. Hermione rushed to his side. She knelt beside him and then turned to glare at the dog.  
  
"You're a bad dog!" she scolded him. The dog placed his tail between his legs and whimpered. "Call the pound, Harry," Hermione said.  
  
"Will do," said Harry. He swished and flicked his wand and shouted the words "Cellus mobilus!" Suddenly, the long stick in his hand shrank and grew wider. It turned into a cell phone. He held it out for his friends to see. "Dudes, I got a cell," he said excitedly.  
  
"Call the pound now, Harry."  
  
"What's the number?"  
  
Ron wiped his eyes with his sleeve and then said, "Just hit the pound key. It will connect you right to them."  
  
"So that's what that key is for," said Harry, pressing it. He chatted with a nice old lady on the other end who sent out a team of evil- dog catchers to catch the evil dog which is what they were employed to do, hence the name, evil-dog catchers.  
  
"He's gone," said Harry, happily when the evil-dog catchers had left.  
  
"Well, we done a good thing here," said Ron.  
  
"I agree. But all this business has interrupted our study schedule and we really must get back to our studies," said Hermione, leading her two friends outside.  
  
Ron and Harry groaned. The trio then climbed onto Harry's cloud- kicker eight million, (after they had removed their shoes which Harry persisted they do so as not to ruin the sleek, silvery paint job) and flew off into the sunset.  
  
"Wait!" called Lockhart through the window of the old shack, as they grew smaller and smaller. "What about my waffles?!"  
  
THE END 


End file.
